initially i titled this:
My textual search through my mind for an answer to who I am and why I do.
but really, it became much more then that.
It exposes a part of my soul that I never dare to show.
It deals with how I deal with the things that bother me, which all tough not specifically mentioned as some of the causes of my depression. They do play a major part.
You don't have to read this. I just needed to write this. and post it somewhere. I'm not even sure. if i am in the right place here. so please bare with me if i'm not.
Who am I?
I do not know.
What do I know about myself?
I do not like who I am, how I look and how to be.
I find myself awkward.
I have an Ideal of what the ultimate girl should be like, ofc everyone thinks of what they think is their ideal is in the opposite sex. And because I know what my ideal is like there. I know what I would want to be like if I were a girl. But I'm a dude. of course. I sometimes wish I was a girl with the looks to fit my ideal image. But in reality. I am what I am. And no. I am not gay. I am a pathetic, worthless, untalented un-attractive looking piece of shit with too many thoughts and too much feeling. That is how I see myself. Of course I hate myself for feeling like this about myself. I often wished to think I wanted to kill myself. But after all, I cannot bear with myself without even trying for the rest of my life to change the way I see myself, that others see me and to become the best person I can be.
So I tried to find the ideal image in myself of what I think a man should be like. And I've set my goal to become that man. A man at who everyone can look up to. A good straightforward man, a cool man, a tough man, a total badass with his own principles. A man that I might become in the eyes of another, even if it would still never make me feel satisfied with who I am. But I hope that maybe, just maybe the person I am will forgive me for everything.
And that is how I started on this course in life.
I am now 21 years old, I can still feel the frustration with the hardships I experience in life coursing through my veins. I still feel that I am worthless, a total fuck up and someone who is going no-where in life. I do see improvements in myself tough. I lost weight compared to when I was young, I don't look unattractive, I actually developed a good sense for clothing styles and I'm trying to get into the educational institutes that draw me. I even draw the eyes of girls sometimes now and go to the gym. I go to the gym because I got a bit of a belly but not so much that you notice it through a t-shirt and because I want to get some strength into this body of mine. You probably wonder what kind of clothes I wear. That's simple, anything that allows me to radiate confidence and manliness. lol. I wear leather jackets and jeans, got short hair and a well cared for stubble. The manliness basically comes from when I asked a girl what kind of guys she is actually into. She answered manly men. But all boyfriends she had thus far and since then look girly to me. But I like the idea of looking like a man amongst men, so instead of looking like the girly toy boys she was into I decided to look manly in the eyes of other men.
So looks wise. I am gathering confidence. I feel like I am definitely improving the person I am.
In the future I plan to be riding a cruiser type motorcycle to get around. I'll work to get to go on vacation all over the world. Not your typical vacations mind you. Snowboarding trips, visiting national parks, road trips, seeing cities and going to low populated beaches. I won't waste my vacations on parties that I cannot remember. I don't know if I'll fall in love and get married, it would be nice if I did tough. But I do not expect it to happen.
On short term I also have plans tough. I want to do a bungee jump, parachute jump and climb a mountain. You're probably thinking "wow that is so lame" right now. But to me, those are things that will truly shock my core. I also plan to be moving out this year. I don't have a good home and its lame for me to still be living with my mum anyway. It depends if I get to be a student again this year tough. which I really hope I will. In fact that is the only thing that could truly break me right now. If I don't get accepted into any of the schools I've applied for.
So I guess that now I know the path I want to walk aside from my career (which will for a while be my uncertainty factor) I found my footing a little. I no longer wish/want to kill myself. Tough I'll be at peace if an external factor like an accident causes my life to end early. Even if it is before I realize the goals I set for myself in life. I just wonder. Once I finish my road through life. If I'll have found the inner peace that I seek.
But I guess, I will only know, at the end of all roads.
My textual search through my mind for an answer to who I am and why I do.
but really, it became much more then that.
It exposes a part of my soul that I never dare to show.
It deals with how I deal with the things that bother me, which all tough not specifically mentioned as some of the causes of my depression. They do play a major part.
You don't have to read this. I just needed to write this. and post it somewhere. I'm not even sure. if i am in the right place here. so please bare with me if i'm not.
Who am I?
I do not know.
What do I know about myself?
I do not like who I am, how I look and how to be.
I find myself awkward.
I have an Ideal of what the ultimate girl should be like, ofc everyone thinks of what they think is their ideal is in the opposite sex. And because I know what my ideal is like there. I know what I would want to be like if I were a girl. But I'm a dude. of course. I sometimes wish I was a girl with the looks to fit my ideal image. But in reality. I am what I am. And no. I am not gay. I am a pathetic, worthless, untalented un-attractive looking piece of shit with too many thoughts and too much feeling. That is how I see myself. Of course I hate myself for feeling like this about myself. I often wished to think I wanted to kill myself. But after all, I cannot bear with myself without even trying for the rest of my life to change the way I see myself, that others see me and to become the best person I can be.
So I tried to find the ideal image in myself of what I think a man should be like. And I've set my goal to become that man. A man at who everyone can look up to. A good straightforward man, a cool man, a tough man, a total badass with his own principles. A man that I might become in the eyes of another, even if it would still never make me feel satisfied with who I am. But I hope that maybe, just maybe the person I am will forgive me for everything.
And that is how I started on this course in life.
I am now 21 years old, I can still feel the frustration with the hardships I experience in life coursing through my veins. I still feel that I am worthless, a total fuck up and someone who is going no-where in life. I do see improvements in myself tough. I lost weight compared to when I was young, I don't look unattractive, I actually developed a good sense for clothing styles and I'm trying to get into the educational institutes that draw me. I even draw the eyes of girls sometimes now and go to the gym. I go to the gym because I got a bit of a belly but not so much that you notice it through a t-shirt and because I want to get some strength into this body of mine. You probably wonder what kind of clothes I wear. That's simple, anything that allows me to radiate confidence and manliness. lol. I wear leather jackets and jeans, got short hair and a well cared for stubble. The manliness basically comes from when I asked a girl what kind of guys she is actually into. She answered manly men. But all boyfriends she had thus far and since then look girly to me. But I like the idea of looking like a man amongst men, so instead of looking like the girly toy boys she was into I decided to look manly in the eyes of other men.
So looks wise. I am gathering confidence. I feel like I am definitely improving the person I am.
In the future I plan to be riding a cruiser type motorcycle to get around. I'll work to get to go on vacation all over the world. Not your typical vacations mind you. Snowboarding trips, visiting national parks, road trips, seeing cities and going to low populated beaches. I won't waste my vacations on parties that I cannot remember. I don't know if I'll fall in love and get married, it would be nice if I did tough. But I do not expect it to happen.
On short term I also have plans tough. I want to do a bungee jump, parachute jump and climb a mountain. You're probably thinking "wow that is so lame" right now. But to me, those are things that will truly shock my core. I also plan to be moving out this year. I don't have a good home and its lame for me to still be living with my mum anyway. It depends if I get to be a student again this year tough. which I really hope I will. In fact that is the only thing that could truly break me right now. If I don't get accepted into any of the schools I've applied for.
So I guess that now I know the path I want to walk aside from my career (which will for a while be my uncertainty factor) I found my footing a little. I no longer wish/want to kill myself. Tough I'll be at peace if an external factor like an accident causes my life to end early. Even if it is before I realize the goals I set for myself in life. I just wonder. Once I finish my road through life. If I'll have found the inner peace that I seek.
But I guess, I will only know, at the end of all roads.
