Thanksgiving Depression

So I am a guy in his mid 30's and have been cooking for my family since I was 17. My mother died 2 years ago and everything changed. I have to admit that I was cooking my ass off for my mother to hear her compliment the food. That is really what I lived for, to make her happy and proud. Since her death I haven't cooked for my family, I tried to replace what I have been doing forever with my girlfriend's family. So it is just me cooking for my girlfriend, her mother and brother. That really isn't the same. I mean my mother wanted me to be a doctor, I was never that, and I can still hear her say I wish you became a doctor so you can take care of me. You know when I was 10 or so she said "I will never make it to 30. I hope you become a doctor so you can fix what I have wrong with me." Well, obviously from this post I never became a doctor. I truly wish I could go back and become one. Maybe I could have helped her. But since I didn't I tried hard to make her proud. Of my food, my family and everything else.

My problem is I never lived down the fact that I never lived her wishes and became a doctor, who (I am 100% sure) could have diagnosed her blood clot and cancer that led to her death way before.

Things are really different around the Holidays. I am getting more and more depressed as each day goes by getting closer to Christmas. I hate this time of year and really wished I could be under-stood. Someone could come in and know how bad I feel for not listening to my mother. Someone who could come in and eat my food and love it, be proud of me again for something.

I really don't have much, me and my girlfriend. But I am missing the biggest part of my life. Dont get me wrong, I love my girlfriend with all of my heart but my mother was my entire life.

On Christmas I would spend all of my money on a present for her that would make her smile when she opened it, spent hours tasting the food I was preparing to make sure I could get a compliment about it when she was eating it. That was my life since I was 19. Things have changed since her death and I am seriously depressed. I hope someone has the answer to my situation since I have not had one in over 2 years.

Thanks for listening.
 
I am so sorry to hear about your mother and how you are feeling during the holidays, I hope that one day you can overcome these feelings and learn to live with them. I still have my mother and she is my whole world, I really dont't know exactly what would happen the day that she is no longer with me but as long as she is here I treasure every moment Im with her. My mother went through something very similar after my grandma passed away. Its already been 2 years and things are not quite the same but my mother's whole attitude in life has definetely changed with the help of counseling and medication. I suggest you go ahead and speak to a mental health counselor, I swear that will help a whole lot. My mother went through a period of crying non-stop after grandma passed away, she didnt want to go anywhere or do anything, we were all scared for her and felt helpless around her but once she seen the counselor and she started taking her anti-depressants it helped, within a few weeks she started to go back to her old activities and back to her old self. Please see a proffesional to help you through this difficult time.
 
I am sorry to hear about your mother and how you are feeling. I am not sure if you will ever feel the same way during the holidays again as you spent your entire life with your mother but Im sure what you are feeling now is a deep depression and it is not good to go through your days with this pain. It is normal to miss your mom and to cry every once in a while but it seems to me that there are more serious issues going on and you still have not come to accept certain things. Like Emily and Archeon said you should see a proffessional who will hopefully give you some advise/help on how to deal with the pain you are still experiencing.
 
Hi Depressedone, Sorry to hear about your mother. i wish also that you could make her proud as she needed you but that's just past about which you are worrying yourself and getting more depressed. i would like to suggest you that you should not think what you could not do for your mother because it will make you sad and depressed each morning whenever you will think about it. You should keep the good memories of you and your mother and remember those memories each and every day. This will make you feel from such bad feelings that you could not do something for your mother. If you will be so depressed then you will found yourself in great trouble in future so please remove these thoughts.
 
Me Too

I also get depressed during the holidays: it starts before Thanksgiving and lasts until after New Years. I am not sure I was totally aware of it until my father died about 5 years ago. Our family's tradition to always have a large Thanksgiving Dinner at my parent's house with all of our family as well as other families, and singles that we have known for years. We would have 30+ people of all ages, ethnic groups, etc. and fun was had by all for 40+ years. We 3 grown children would help our Parents with all that needed to be done and as our families grew, the children would help also. With the passing of my father, it was clear he was the glue that held much of our family together as when he died there were discussions as too try to keep the big dinner tradition alive, even though the house was no longer available or for each of us to break off and do our own dinners. My husband and I opted to cook our own dinner for our 6 grown children, 3 grandchildren, and my husband's parents and sister. My husband did most of the cooking as he usually does, but toward the end of the evening the gathering started coming apart due to some of the personalities and pent up frustrations of a blended family. I certainly contributed to the mess by being sarcastic, my husband's children contributed by using the occasion to be righteously indignant. My husband and I have been married 16 years this year, have both worked hard and still have a few grown children 22, 27, 27, who are not able to grow up and be contributing citizens. The bottom line is I don't want to do the same thing again this year. By that I mean, I do not want to attend Thanksgiving Dinner. I will help my husband prepare, but without going into what this year has been like, I can assure you, it probably is better all the way around for me to not participate, help before and after and leave the dinner to those who are looking forward to it. I don't mind sharing the work with him, I just don't want to deal with the people. He will never understand this and will be sure I am trying to do this to hurt him, but I know myself and know what I can tolerate and what I can not. I have a few months to explain this isn't about him even though he will be affected by it. Stay tuned.
 
It's really tough during the holidays for many. It brings up the feelings of past failures, issues with loved ones and so many other hurtful things. I'm determined not to let my spirit be down this year. No matter what happens, I'm going to do my best to stay upbeat and give off positive vibes. I truly wish that everyone has a pleasant holiday season and gets the chance to unwind from any daily stress.
 
Frost

Frost

Member
It is not always easy to deal with this kind of depression but what you are going to do is to find a way to live and hang on to the good memories that you've made and channel the good feelings into making yourself to enjoy life again because it is the only choice you have.
 
justdiva said:
It's really tough during the holidays for many. It brings up the feelings of past failures, issues with loved ones and so many other hurtful things. I'm determined not to let my spirit be down this year. No matter what happens, I'm going to do my best to stay upbeat and give off positive vibes. I truly wish that everyone has a pleasant holiday season and gets the chance to unwind from any daily stress.
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The most important thing is for you to never give up. It's not about how many times you fall, but how many times you get up when you fall. Giving up is never an option for me.
 
I have come to the conclusion that there's nothing you can do in this life that's ever going to be enough in the eye's of others. Even if you give them money every day, they will still say things that's going to make you feel depressed. It's why I try as much as possible to shut off myself from their opinions.
 
kevinbrown10 said:
Hi Depressedone, Sorry to hear about your mother. i wish also that you could make her proud as she needed you but that's just past about which you are worrying yourself and getting more depressed. i would like to suggest you that you should not think what you could not do for your mother because it will make you sad and depressed each morning whenever you will think about it. You should keep the good memories of you and your mother and remember those memories each and every day. This will make you feel from such bad feelings that you could not do something for your mother. If you will be so depressed then you will found yourself in great trouble in future so please remove these thoughts.
Click to expand...
I have also come to understand that too much expectations also causes depression for people because you will keep on overworking yourself so that you will meet the standard and expectations that other people's have on you and it will end up sinking you into the pression.
 
LaToro said:
Me Too

I also get depressed during the holidays: it starts before Thanksgiving and lasts until after New Years. I am not sure I was totally aware of it until my father died about 5 years ago. Our family's tradition to always have a large Thanksgiving Dinner at my parent's house with all of our family as well as other families, and singles that we have known for years. We would have 30+ people of all ages, ethnic groups, etc. and fun was had by all for 40+ years. We 3 grown children would help our Parents with all that needed to be done and as our families grew, the children would help also. With the passing of my father, it was clear he was the glue that held much of our family together as when he died there were discussions as too try to keep the big dinner tradition alive, even though the house was no longer available or for each of us to break off and do our own dinners. My husband and I opted to cook our own dinner for our 6 grown children, 3 grandchildren, and my husband's parents and sister. My husband did most of the cooking as he usually does, but toward the end of the evening the gathering started coming apart due to some of the personalities and pent up frustrations of a blended family. I certainly contributed to the mess by being sarcastic, my husband's children contributed by using the occasion to be righteously indignant. My husband and I have been married 16 years this year, have both worked hard and still have a few grown children 22, 27, 27, who are not able to grow up and be contributing citizens. The bottom line is I don't want to do the same thing again this year. By that I mean, I do not want to attend Thanksgiving Dinner. I will help my husband prepare, but without going into what this year has been like, I can assure you, it probably is better all the way around for me to not participate, help before and after and leave the dinner to those who are looking forward to it. I don't mind sharing the work with him, I just don't want to deal with the people. He will never understand this and will be sure I am trying to do this to hurt him, but I know myself and know what I can tolerate and what I can not. I have a few months to explain this isn't about him even though he will be affected by it. Stay tuned.
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I always tell people to do whatever that is going to benefit them especially when it comes to their health and peace of mind. You cannot go on living your life trying to impress people all the time when you are the one that is going to keep suffering at the end of everything.
 
It's sad to hear your mother has passed away and I can't say I understand how you feel or have a solution to it but what I can tell you is try to love you self and give yourself , appreciate every single bit of what you are right now and even if you don't receive those compliments from others compliment yourself.
 
I understood that feeling that you lost the person you are trying everything to impress. This is a very heavy deal for some of us. I didn't get to do things that made my mother happy before she died and I have the guilt and depression that she suppose to wait for me to put smile on her smile before she leave this earth.

The reason I keep moving on and start being myself is that I forgot the pains and starting making use of the positive memories which had really helped me a lot because I know she won't be happy seeing me very sad.
 
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