i'm uable to love

for a long time i had believed that i was madly in love with my boyfriend,and that nothing would ever change my feeling for him.
yet this begins to change.

we live in two different counties, with the whole pacific ocean in between.we can be togethe for like 1 or 2 months every year. usually he would arrange a trip to tourist resorts in my country.
he is the kind of man who never lacks women and who is used to women sacrificing for him.so it's easy for you to imagine that he always has an air of condecending in our relationship. although being a girl with high self-esteem, i've been compromising a lot and i've done whatever i can to please him. i know he loves me and is serious in this relationship, yet, the thing is, the more serious he gets in this relationship, the more demanding he gets. it seems that no matter what i do, it just isn't enough to prove my love to be sincere and strong enough.
we were sopposed to get married this year, yet, because of one misuderstanding, he changed his mind, and decided that he needs more time to make sure marrying me will be the right thing to do. i totally collapsed.
for months, the first thing i did after waking up was crying. i handed in my resignation for a job that paid really good, for i lost the ability to work. i cut off all my contact with my old firends.leaving him to be the only person i could talk to .but he thought all my crying was just meant to blame him and put pressure on him. so i just pretended that i was happy and agree with whatever he said.
t began to think that this relationship was wrong from the beginning. i thought that maybe i could start a new life if i ended it. however, i just can't.because i can't bear the thought of being alone, being without him. he has been the sole purpose in my life and the single most important part in my life for 4 years, leaving him means throwing all my hopes and dreams away.how can i possibly live with no hopes and dreams?
i've beening suffering from depression for almost a year. i tried to kill myself and release myself from pain. i had meditation, which had little effect.
he knew nothing about the suicide or the meditation or the depression. i never told him.
two months ago, i woke up one day finding that i could not love any more.since then. all my crying and grievances have been taken place by numbness.
it's like i'm dead inside.i'm so terrified by this numbness.
i cannot feel happy or sad.i take sleeping pills,and sleep for more than 15 hours a day.since only when i'm asleep i would not feel afraid.
what should i do?
for a long time i thought that marriage would be the panasea for all the troubles. but now...there is simply no panasea no way to free myself from suffering.
 
Heatman

Heatman

Member
Dealing with depression in relationship is very difficult. It's why most relationships crumble whenever one partner is suffering from depression. This is because it's always very difficult for the other to understand what's going on. Some people lose interest in relationship completely.
 
The most important thing that you're going to understand is that you have to learn how to love yourself very well before you can be able to love another person because being in the depths of depression is going to make it very difficult for you to even appreciate your own life.
 
In most cases someone who is suffering from depression hardly loves himself or herself which is why it is always very difficult for a person who's depressed to love another person. This is why most people that are depressed always keep to their self because they don't feel anyone is capable of loving them.
 
After everything that I've been through with in my relationship and Depression, I have come to the conclusion that it is useless from me to believe that there is anything like love existing in the world because whatever people have been doing with me is always taking advantage of my feelings.
 
When you learn to understand and love yourself, that's the beginning of your strength. Men can't make women happy, women can't make men happy too. Happiness starts from You and when you are happy, everything will join to make the happiness to be fulfilled.
 
Lucas said:
After everything that I've been through with in my relationship and Depression, I have come to the conclusion that it is useless from me to believe that there is anything like love existing in the world because whatever people have been doing with me is always taking advantage of my feelings.
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It is not easy to find who you truly care about. This is where the first challenge comes from. I have been in situations where I was willing to love someone so deeply, but it never worked out and I felt bad about it.
 
Frank said:
It is not easy to find who you truly care about. This is where the first challenge comes from. I have been in situations where I was willing to love someone so deeply, but it never worked out and I felt bad about it.
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Finding love is all about giving it as well. One should be ready to love and be loved before going into any relationship.
 
Henrywrites said:
Finding love is all about giving it as well. One should be ready to love and be loved before going into any relationship.
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You made a good point, but it is important to understand that there are times when you give your all and at the end of the day, your all is never enough for the man that you are in a relationship with.
 
That must have been a tough situation to be with. When you have been together for four years you would think you are meant to be forever. Now you have to live your life without them.
Your mistake was cutting off everyone else in your life because of a relationship.
Just give it time, and be open to meeting others. Don’t isolate yourself.
 
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