for a long time i had believed that i was madly in love with my boyfriend,and that nothing would ever change my feeling for him.
yet this begins to change.
we live in two different counties, with the whole pacific ocean in between.we can be togethe for like 1 or 2 months every year. usually he would arrange a trip to tourist resorts in my country.
he is the kind of man who never lacks women and who is used to women sacrificing for him.so it's easy for you to imagine that he always has an air of condecending in our relationship. although being a girl with high self-esteem, i've been compromising a lot and i've done whatever i can to please him. i know he loves me and is serious in this relationship, yet, the thing is, the more serious he gets in this relationship, the more demanding he gets. it seems that no matter what i do, it just isn't enough to prove my love to be sincere and strong enough.
we were sopposed to get married this year, yet, because of one misuderstanding, he changed his mind, and decided that he needs more time to make sure marrying me will be the right thing to do. i totally collapsed.
for months, the first thing i did after waking up was crying. i handed in my resignation for a job that paid really good, for i lost the ability to work. i cut off all my contact with my old firends.leaving him to be the only person i could talk to .but he thought all my crying was just meant to blame him and put pressure on him. so i just pretended that i was happy and agree with whatever he said.
t began to think that this relationship was wrong from the beginning. i thought that maybe i could start a new life if i ended it. however, i just can't.because i can't bear the thought of being alone, being without him. he has been the sole purpose in my life and the single most important part in my life for 4 years, leaving him means throwing all my hopes and dreams away.how can i possibly live with no hopes and dreams?
i've beening suffering from depression for almost a year. i tried to kill myself and release myself from pain. i had meditation, which had little effect.
he knew nothing about the suicide or the meditation or the depression. i never told him.
two months ago, i woke up one day finding that i could not love any more.since then. all my crying and grievances have been taken place by numbness.
it's like i'm dead inside.i'm so terrified by this numbness.
i cannot feel happy or sad.i take sleeping pills,and sleep for more than 15 hours a day.since only when i'm asleep i would not feel afraid.
what should i do?
for a long time i thought that marriage would be the panasea for all the troubles. but now...there is simply no panasea no way to free myself from suffering.
yet this begins to change.
we live in two different counties, with the whole pacific ocean in between.we can be togethe for like 1 or 2 months every year. usually he would arrange a trip to tourist resorts in my country.
he is the kind of man who never lacks women and who is used to women sacrificing for him.so it's easy for you to imagine that he always has an air of condecending in our relationship. although being a girl with high self-esteem, i've been compromising a lot and i've done whatever i can to please him. i know he loves me and is serious in this relationship, yet, the thing is, the more serious he gets in this relationship, the more demanding he gets. it seems that no matter what i do, it just isn't enough to prove my love to be sincere and strong enough.
we were sopposed to get married this year, yet, because of one misuderstanding, he changed his mind, and decided that he needs more time to make sure marrying me will be the right thing to do. i totally collapsed.
for months, the first thing i did after waking up was crying. i handed in my resignation for a job that paid really good, for i lost the ability to work. i cut off all my contact with my old firends.leaving him to be the only person i could talk to .but he thought all my crying was just meant to blame him and put pressure on him. so i just pretended that i was happy and agree with whatever he said.
t began to think that this relationship was wrong from the beginning. i thought that maybe i could start a new life if i ended it. however, i just can't.because i can't bear the thought of being alone, being without him. he has been the sole purpose in my life and the single most important part in my life for 4 years, leaving him means throwing all my hopes and dreams away.how can i possibly live with no hopes and dreams?
i've beening suffering from depression for almost a year. i tried to kill myself and release myself from pain. i had meditation, which had little effect.
he knew nothing about the suicide or the meditation or the depression. i never told him.
two months ago, i woke up one day finding that i could not love any more.since then. all my crying and grievances have been taken place by numbness.
it's like i'm dead inside.i'm so terrified by this numbness.
i cannot feel happy or sad.i take sleeping pills,and sleep for more than 15 hours a day.since only when i'm asleep i would not feel afraid.
what should i do?
for a long time i thought that marriage would be the panasea for all the troubles. but now...there is simply no panasea no way to free myself from suffering.
